The Dark Side of Losing Weight
My brain likes to be a jerk.
The last year hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. More like cuss words and dripping sweat.
I’m very proud of the progress I’ve made this far, really truly I am. And I think, for the most part, I have a healthy relationship with my body. I don’t use the gym as a punishment for eating the cookies my mother-in-law made (because, dude, homemade cookies. You say no to those).
But…
My brain is an asshole. It calls me names and belittles my progress. I fully acknowledge that I’m overweight and out of shape, but calling myself a fat girl is unhelpful. Chunky McButter Pants is my personal favorite.
And it’s hard to change the voice in my head. I still look in the mirror and see the 224 pound version of me, even when I’m flexing and taking in my progress. Don’t get me wrong, I see that I’ve made a crap ton of progress, but I still expect to see the larger version every time I see a mirror.
What’s even more scary is when my brain goes super dark. I had a day where my brain dropped the thought, “I wonder how few calories I can get away with eating today?”
I like food, like really like food (otherwise I wouldn’t be needing to lose weight). Where the hell did that come from?
It was my scariest moment. That’s a slippery slope to go down. And I don’t want to go down it. I don’t want to hit a point where I have an unhealthy relationship with food.
It hit after a workout when I needed to run errands and forgot to pack a snack. I pulled over and grabbed food. I was hungry and needed fuel.
There’s always the urge to push harder because I had junk food. I want to push my limits, but food is fuel. Sometimes you need to eat the doughnut to keep yourself from gorging on all of the junk food in the break room.
A lot of my fear of these thoughts stems from watching a family member go through anorexia. Being told that I look good because I lost weight is addicting. It’s validation of my hard work. How much better would it be if I dropped a few more pounds? Put in another set? Or two? Went beyond exhaustion?
Now that I’ve freaked out my friends and family, I should really say that I listen to my body over my brain. I eat when I’m hungry (and sometimes when I’m bored). I stop when I’m done at the gym. I listen to when something hurts in a bad way.
And I freak out if I’m under-caloried for the day. I freak out less if I’m over my calorie allotment for the day.
What do you do to turn off the bad thoughts your brain spews at you?
Weekly Goals
Read one book: Success! I read Creating Character Arcs by K. M. Weiland. A must read if you are a writer.
Write 7K words: Failure. I wrote, but didn’t get anything typed up.
Go to class: Failure. I had an accident at work (coworker caught my leg with the door to the trailer and I needed to go to urgent care to get a tetanus shot) that led me to getting home too late to eat dinner and go to class.
Sew ten dice bags: Failure.
Go to the gym twice: Success!
