Hitting Rock Bottom Again
When you go from the highest highs to the lowest lows.
I should be on Cloud Nine right now.
I blew passed my weight goal to hit my lowest since I started my weight loss journey. My workouts have been consistent and I’m starting to see real definition in my arms.
So why do I feel like such an abject failure? Why do I spend my drive home from the gym debating quitting.
Part of the answer is I’m not seeing any of this progress help when I’m running obstacles. I’m still stuck not reaching the top of the 12' wall. I fall off pretty much every strength based obstacle. Even balance ones are hit or miss.
After over a year, I’m one of the worst students in the class.
And that’s the other part of the answer. I watch my friends and newbies come into class and excel at obstacles I grind at.
I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other people, but it’s hard not to. Especially when your teacher dotes on them while you run the warped wall until you’re almost in tears.
Almost.
I held those back until I was safely in my car. Because no one needs to see them or wants to.
The drive home was long and full of questions.
How much of this is in my head? Probably most of my problems stem from the fact my brain loves to tell me how bad I am at things and how people don’t like/ are annoyed by me.
At what point do I admit I’m not cut out for obstacles? When do you quit? Is it when it’s no longer fun? This is what I spent most of the drive thinking about. I’ve thought a lot about dropping obstacle class. If it wasn’t for the races I’ve signed up for, I would’ve probably quit already. Because it stopped being a source of joy.
I has become something I dread going to.
I’m not quitting just yet. At least not until my two races fire or get canceled. But I am constantly questioning if my training is having any effect.
Looking at side-by-side pictures from a year ago and yesterday, the answer is obvious. My arms are leaner with more defined muscles. My abs are starting to pop.
Is this just the dip before things start clicking or will I be forever stuck grinding the same stuff. Is there some key component I’m missing?
I know my mind isn’t where it needs to be. This week I’m starting the book The Undefeated Mind in the hopes of getting my head on straight.
I just switched up my workouts at the beginning of the month, so I will revisit my training again at the end of the month to see what needs to change.
Other than that, I don’t know if there’s much more I can do. All I know is I can’t get much lower so it’s time to claw my way back up.
