Fearless?
Restarting My Journey to Re-finding My Spark
I have a confession to make: I’m not living up to my potential. My day job is so boring it should be criminal. Boring enough that I fear for my sanity most days.
Twelve year-old aspiring New York Times Bestseller me would be so disappointed in me. Twenty-one year-old fearless but not writing me would be disappointed. Hell, I’m disappointed in my lack of fearlessness.
At the end of last year, I chose fearless as my word of the year. There were weekly goals as well as quarterly ones. For the first month or so, things were great.
I ticked off every box every week. Writing was flowing, I was hitting the gym twice a week, life was good. I was on the final rewrite and edit of my novel before handing it to my beta readers (after coming back from the loss of my favorite chapter due to flash drive failure).
*Pro tip: back up your data. No really, go do it, especially if you plan on traveling. Set up a schedule and stick to it. I can wait while you do it.*
I did my first truly fearless thing after I finished edits: I turned it over to five beta readers. While I waited for feedback, I started another story. Not the second book in the series, but one I needed to get out of my system. And I waited and waited.
And waited (technically still waiting). That’s when the old fears kicked in. Did anyone bother reading it? Did it suck and no one had the guts to tell me?
Both of those questions bothered and angered me. Most of them ended up in the first category, some with legitimate reasons. One of them came back with edits and suggestions for the first couple of chapters and then a couple more. Her response was positive for the most part.
What I lacked was stuff I worried about overdoing, so I under-did. I switched gears back to my first novel and burned through edits and rewrites. I was re-energized. But then the response dried up. A few things happened in her life and I was left with only my first nine chapters critiqued.
While I waited, I faltered on all my goals and decided not to take the penalties for not achieving them. I wasn’t keeping up on the rewards, so why should I punish myself?
I’ve lost steam hardcore on my goals. I stopped looking for things to do that scared me. I stopped being fearless.
It wasn’t until I looked in the mirror the other day at the dull eyes staring back at me that I realized I’d lost my spark. It’s time to get it back. It starts with me holding myself publicly accountable for meeting my goals.
So here are my weekly goals: go to the gym at least twice, go to martial arts class, read a book, sew ten dice bags, and write seven thousand words.
As far as goals go, they’re not really that hard to achieve if I put my mind to it. The problem comes in that once I start slacking, the whole house of cards comes tumbling down.
With that in mind, I will be checking in each week with an update on whether or not I have made it. I’ll be adding my monthly and quarterly goals later.
The other thing I want to do is get out of my slump. I need more adventure in my life. From here on out, I’m on the look-out for new and interesting things to do, even if they scare me a little. If you have any suggestions for getting out of my comfort zone, let me know!
